Incendiary Lit

That’s right. Real life is all about work and bills and lame and aching muscles. It’s about wishing you were appreciated for not actually performing manual labor, but for describing that manual labor you no longer wish you had to do. If that happened, I would be so excited. But for now I just have to revel in internet sites like Duotrope, New Pages, South Park Studios, Surf the Channel, Imeem, Muxtape etc. You know, free.

ESPECIALLY WWW.SOUTHPARKSTUDIOS.COM

Any Episode you want to watch, whenever you want to watch it, with minimal commercials (one, I think). For someone with the full South Park library and a narrative addiction, this site is a godsend. While work is done, familiar and hilarious narrative can ensue. MY GOD. Is there a decent audio-book of Catch-22? I’ll look into this and let you all know. If not, why? If so, damn. I’m really slow on the awesome bus.

Now that Chris Brown’s beaten and partially eaten Rhianna Michael Phelps is taking a little less heat, but damn, leave him alone already. People need to grow up already and stop insisting that they control minuscule, inconsequential parts of others lives. SNL’s been very funny lately. This Karate Kid sketch was very funny also.

Really, it is extreme frustration at hypocrisy. We sometimes leave the TV on when sleeping and Jessica prefers public access because it plays classical music over the ‘community bulletin’ late at night, but in the morning it is either Senate hearings about the proposed

Enter a never-named preacher at the Essence  Music Festival. I woke up to him making a childish slur of the term anthropologists, and then he continued to bash science for a little while, and a slight lull before the black power part of the speech, which is an altogether rant, but let me just say, tauting racial superiority of anyone is ignorant and racist. And yes, that means I called that man a racist. It was also the logic by which he arrived at the position of ‘black’ superiority. He asserted that Adam has to have been black because dark skin is dominant and genetically it can’t possibly come from a white person. Aside from the whole, you know, simple concept of gradual evolution to better suit an environment, he’d just spent I don’t even know how long talking about how science is silly when it comes to faith or the bible. It’s kinda like Mims saying “I’m hot cuz I’m fly, you ain’t cuz you not.” It’s ri-god-damn-diculous.

OK, here’s my point. You can’t discount and ridicule the belief of a great many (science) then use it as evidence for your claims. If something is wrong about one issue, in this case, science disagreeing with some fundamentals of faith, if you say it is wrong, you cannot go back afterwards and just pretend you didn’t say that and use science as evidence for your anti-scientific claims. This works across the board, not just about religion.

To counter this argument, I’ll advise any incoming college students to buy the book They Say I Say, and use it when writing your future essays. 90% of essay writing at lower levels at least, is formulaic. Its beating the most basic essay structure into your head over and over just hoping that eventually it’ll crack its way through. And rightly so, it is a logical way to form an argument. Intro-Body-Conclusion, state your thesis in the last sentence of your intro paragraph. State it clearly. State your thesis clearly. Did I mention STATE YOUR THESIS SIMPLY AND CLEARLY. This is quite possibly the major flaw in half essays. Either no thesis or ‘argument’ or not a clear one. Aside from that, proper research etc etc. But They Say I Say is a very short, quick (very very easy to read, ie not a textbook)read and you’ll likely bookmark a few of the sample thesis templates.

It only makes sense that with standardized tests and their measures to stave off cheating there will be a large pool of possible questions picked for each individual exam. Unfortunately, those questions have a sliding scale of difficulty (or in the VERBAL section of the GRE, as was my case, obscurity) and sometimes a whole handful of “toughies” winds up in the same test. Luck of the draw.

Luckily for us test takers, the good people at ETS are keeping an eye on tests. I didn’t know that. I thought, after receiving some paltry verbal scores that either a) my multivitamin was switched out with stupid pills by an evil mastermind tabby cat, b) my over-extensive sense of ‘at least I’m not an idiot’ had long been deceiving me, or c) I got a BS test. It sucked, but I calmed myself thinking that most writing MFA programs don’t care about the tests, and that they’re merely a requirement of the graduate school. But, at the same time Iowa mentions on their website that GRE scores figure into teaching assistantship positions. And Johns Hopkins really cares about them. Not that JHU was high on my list (for most likely flawed stereotypes about the program gained from trolling blogs and message boards), but I looked at it after the test and allowed a glimmer of excitement (Dave-frickin-Smith!)but then had to extinguish it immediately.

But thank you ETS, once again, for screening the questions, even if it’s just after the fact, because I just got a letter offering a retest of the verbal section. The official explanation in the letter was

in a very small number of cases, the computer algorithm may not have selected an optimal distribution of test questions that would have allowed the test taker to fully demonstrate his or her true ability level.

I don’t care how it’s phrased, essentially it says “Hey, we know we kinda said you were retarded, but we might’ve been wrong.” And that’s fine with me. The fact that I didn’t slip through the cracks of “screwed by standardized testing” ungrinds my gears for the ETS. Word. And we’re back full circle.

I mean, I can’t really say Timbaland grinds my gears, because he makes beats good as Premiere, and that says something. The song is friggan called “The Way I Are.” Did no one stop at any point during the process of either recording, or even pressing the CDs to take Timb aside, quietly, perhaps a copy of an ESL grammar handbook in hand, and explain to him his grammatical error. Here’s how I imagine the scene

Person A: “Hey, digging the new song. Love the music, just a little thing about the lyrics”

Timbaland: “What’s wrong with it, bitch?”

(I’ll just assume the person correcting him is somewhat of a ‘bitch’ because, after all, who corrects Timbaland? Bitch.)

Bitch: “Well, it’s the chorus really?”

*three back-up singers pop their heads around the corner one above the other and sing eeriely* “Baby if you strip, you could get a tip–”

Timbaland: “What’s wrong with that? If she’s hot, or even all the way down to kinda ugly, she could strip and get a tip.”

Bitch: “No, no, its–”

Timbaland: “That’s  not my fault, that’s society. I didn’t come up with the concept of stripclubs, much less the concept of sexual means of attaining ends.”

Bitch: “No, Timb, after that.”

*Back-up singers heads pop back out and sing*  “Cuz I like you just the way you are.”

Timbaland: “You sayin’ no one could like me the way I am, bitch?”

Timbaland’s Entourage Member 7: “What he say Timb?”

Bitch: “No, the last line of the chorus.”

*Back-up singers sing* “Can you handle me the way I are.”

Timbaland: “Ah, I get it. You’re saying that by picking Keri Hilson to sing, she obviously couldn’t handle the way I are, so the whole song is noot.”

Bitch: “Noot?”

Timbaland: “The point is noot, don’t matter. Ain’t you heard of a dictionary, bitch? I ain’t one. Quit asking me for definitions.”

Bitch: “No, with English grammar rules, the proper way to say it would be ‘the way I am‘.”

*Timbaland looks around the room for acquiescence* “That shit true?”

Timbaland Entourage Member 4: “Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s right.”

*Timbaland pops his bottom grill out and throws it at Entourage Member 4* “Why didn’t you tell me that shit? I’m gonna sound like an idiot!”

Timbaland Entourage Member 4: “I thought you were being, you know, gangsta.”

Timbaland: “Can you do that?”

Timbaland Entourage Member 6: “Hell yeah.”

Timbaland Entourage Member 2: “Yeah, you can basically say whatever you want.”

Timbaland Entourage Member 7: “Am doesn’t rhyme with are.”

Timbaland Entourage Member 5: “Yeah, but are rhymes with are.”

Timbaland Entourage Members: “True.”

Timbaland: “Alright, we’ll keep it as it is.”

End scene.

—

Here’s the video so you can hear the song if you don’t believe me. That’s even the name of the song. The Way I Are. What the hell.

Also, honorable kick to the ass of Snow Patrol for setting preteens back 5 years in the lay/lie usage battle with Chasing Cars.
And to George W Bush, for saying he was “In President” more than once in a recent exit interview.

I saw this article about John Edwards and his mistress Rielle Hunter on Tyler Dilts’ blog infinite space and it’s somewhat disturbing. But not entirely unbelievable. Anyone in that much of a spotlight (like during a presidential candidacy) is going to have all their skeletons removed from their closet, cataloged and filed in the public eye. It’s just too bad he seems to have his (political) heart in the right place, and yet remain something of a personal douche.

I almost called today’s Firestarter exercise “the morning after” but there are some negative connotations to that now. Thanks abortion pill– you forever stole 2 words. Which brought immediately to mind how “Here I sit” should be removed from the poet’s dictionary… well, strike that. They should be filed under the heading “DANGER WILL ROBINSON!” because no matter what your intentions, the next word that will pop into the reader’s head is “brokenhearted. ” and then they’ll think of bathroom stalls and poop and your reader’s mind is definitely in the wrong place. Well, depending on how crappy the poem is. YEAH! That’s right. A pun.  But seriously, as an editor I’ve read the phrase “here I sit” in at least five different pieces, and every time I finished the rhyme. Anyway, be careful when writing for those distinct, familiar phrases that call to mind very specific things like products (slogans), jokes, other poems… while an intention allusion is a completely different story, sometimes even common phraseology can take your reader, at least on one level, away from your poem entirely as the mind continues “came to sh*t / but only farted” despite the only similarity is “Here I sit.” Ya dig? Basically what I’m saying is, use your words with extreme caution.

Well, tonight Jason Castro left American Idol, and you know, it ain’t so bad. Personally, he was my favorite of this year… that David Cook better win now. But I’ve never really liked the people who win American Idol anyway. Except Kelly Clarkson, which makes me feel like they made a mistake and actually gave someone with some uniqueness to them. Jessica forces me to watch, I swear. But I’m also glad Blake didn’t win last year. Could you imagine him singing that god-awful, ridiculously cliched song? No, he needs to beatbox and mix his shit up, make it unique. But, his record was wayyyy more poppy than it should’ve been. Anyway, back to Jason Castro. He isn’t typical American Idol material, which means I’d be more likely buy his CD. Seems more like a folksy Ben Harper, and that’s way more up my alley than Ruben Studdard or ArchuD2.

I don’t know who it is that finds her, well, anything other than nails-on-a-chalkboard, rape-whistle-in-the-ear annoying. She even succeeded in making the X-Files, well, kinda lame. But she’s hosting the Bravo Awards. Not that I really care, but I’m digging Top Chef, and they keep showing the commercials over and over. So maybe it’s Bravo that’s grinding my gears, for thrusting her in front of me. Then again, I’m not changing the channel, so maybe what’s really grinding my gears is myself. Someone should do something about me.

I just wanted to write a little post about the idea of “Narrative Weight” in prose, because it is a place where much (especially) student writing falls short. The idea is simple enough, Every page, paragraph, even every word needs to do one of two things: further the plot or themes, or further the reader’s understanding of a character. Basically, everything you write needs to justify its own worth within the text. This isn’t quite as important in prose as it is in poetry, but it is important. You can’t just write loosey-goosey in your prose and expect to be dubbed TC Boyle Jr. or something.

So your prose’s narrative weight is one thing to consider during the editing process. Begin checking every scene to make sure that something new is occurring, or some new insight is gained, if not, either try to working something in, either a bit of foreshadowing, a bit more about your character, or something about the plot should be furthered. It is a good idea to streamline your fiction as much as you can to make it the most effective presentation of the story you’ve thought up. There you go. Another thing to consider in your writing: Narrative weight. Oftentimes extraneous detail or ancillary characters can throw off the pace of a book, or slacken the tension because they aren’t pulling their own narrative weight. So weigh your words like they’re boxers about to go into the ring or your fictional world. If they don’t weigh enough when it comes to your plot, themes or character, then it might be time to cancel that fight, perhaps give some other words a shot. Word.

Show your support for unique rhymes, and disgust for lazy poets who make easy, predictable rhymes, or, more than that, join the coalition so we can let the world know that such rhymes will no longer be tolerated! Join here! We will win the fight against ear-achingly bad rhymes.

OK, for those that haven’t heard about Golf Cannel’s Kelly Tilghman getting suspended for saying, well, here’s the link, but basically saying Tiger Woods is so good other golfers are going to resort to lynching him in a back alley, you know, because they can’t beat him. As expected, it caused a racial fervor despite Tiger Woods saying it’s a non-issue, but Al Sharpton took great offense and called for Tilghman’s firing. Golfweek decided to cover the ruckus. Editor Dave Seanor ran this cover concerning the issue. Considering the outrage over the laughing comment, the stark image of noose and the phrase “Caught in a Noose” should perhaps have been, well, caught, and rethought, but it wasn’t, and now Seanor’s out of a job, and probably permanently maligned. It’s odd. Political correctness is fine and dandy, and this definitely toes the line, but I think this is an overreaction, mainly, because the person that was actually being joked about could really care less, he can take a dumb joke. It is all too Fahrenheit 451… That’s all. Anyone else at least question the decision to fire Seanor, or the pending decision to fire Kelly Tilghman? Or is that the proper reaction? Anyone?

Regardless of who you support in the upcoming elections, this is pretty disturbing. FOX News Network, home of the so-called “Fair and Balanced,” has decided to exclude two Republican candidates from their upcoming debate this Sunday. Despite Ron Paul’s 10% of the vote in the Iowa caucus, (compared to 4% for Giuliani, and 13% for Thompson and McCain, who all received invites to the debate) Fox News has refused to allow him or Republican hopeful Duncan Hunter, citing, among other lame excuses “limited space in their studio.” Riiiight. In response, the New Hampshire Republican Party has withdrawn their sponsorship of the debate. NH Party Chairman Fergus Cullen explains: “Limiting the number of candidates who are invited to participate in debates is not consistent with the tradition of the first in the nation primary. The level playing field requires that all candidates be given an equal opportunity to participate – not just a select few determined by the media prior to any votes being cast.” Word. Way to go, Faux News.

Check out CNN’s article here.