You Know What Really Grinds My Gears? Timbaland’s Grammars
I mean, I can’t really say Timbaland grinds my gears, because he makes beats good as Premiere, and that says something. The song is friggan called “The Way I Are.” Did no one stop at any point during the process of either recording, or even pressing the CDs to take Timb aside, quietly, perhaps a copy of an ESL grammar handbook in hand, and explain to him his grammatical error. Here’s how I imagine the scene
Person A: “Hey, digging the new song. Love the music, just a little thing about the lyrics”
Timbaland: “What’s wrong with it, bitch?”
(I’ll just assume the person correcting him is somewhat of a ‘bitch’ because, after all, who corrects Timbaland? Bitch.)
Bitch: “Well, it’s the chorus really?”
*three back-up singers pop their heads around the corner one above the other and sing eeriely* “Baby if you strip, you could get a tip–”
Timbaland: “What’s wrong with that? If she’s hot, or even all the way down to kinda ugly, she could strip and get a tip.”
Bitch: “No, no, its–”
Timbaland: “That’s not my fault, that’s society. I didn’t come up with the concept of stripclubs, much less the concept of sexual means of attaining ends.”
Bitch: “No, Timb, after that.”
*Back-up singers heads pop back out and sing* “Cuz I like you just the way you are.”
Timbaland: “You sayin’ no one could like me the way I am, bitch?”
Timbaland’s Entourage Member 7: “What he say Timb?”
Bitch: “No, the last line of the chorus.”
*Back-up singers sing* “Can you handle me the way I are.”
Timbaland: “Ah, I get it. You’re saying that by picking Keri Hilson to sing, she obviously couldn’t handle the way I are, so the whole song is noot.”
Bitch: “Noot?”
Timbaland: “The point is noot, don’t matter. Ain’t you heard of a dictionary, bitch? I ain’t one. Quit asking me for definitions.”
Bitch: “No, with English grammar rules, the proper way to say it would be ‘the way I am‘.”
*Timbaland looks around the room for acquiescence* “That shit true?”
Timbaland Entourage Member 4: “Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s right.”
*Timbaland pops his bottom grill out and throws it at Entourage Member 4* “Why didn’t you tell me that shit? I’m gonna sound like an idiot!”
Timbaland Entourage Member 4: “I thought you were being, you know, gangsta.”
Timbaland: “Can you do that?”
Timbaland Entourage Member 6: “Hell yeah.”
Timbaland Entourage Member 2: “Yeah, you can basically say whatever you want.”
Timbaland Entourage Member 7: “Am doesn’t rhyme with are.”
Timbaland Entourage Member 5: “Yeah, but are rhymes with are.”
Timbaland Entourage Members: “True.”
Timbaland: “Alright, we’ll keep it as it is.”
End scene.
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Here’s the video so you can hear the song if you don’t believe me. That’s even the name of the song. The Way I Are. What the hell.
Also, honorable kick to the ass of Snow Patrol for setting preteens back 5 years in the lay/lie usage battle with Chasing Cars.
And to George W Bush, for saying he was “In President” more than once in a recent exit interview.